“Mommy, I think I’m ready for my baby to arrive.” Just this week my almost 4-year-old said those sweet, innocent words to me. She looked up at me expectantly as if I could and would magically say YES.
It’s not the first time she has talked about me having a baby nor will it be the last.
Who knew my heart could break once again into a million little pieces, tears rolling down my face, as my husband held me in his arms and said, “It’s okay babe, it’s okay.” My husband knows my pain, has seen my tears and heard my concerns many times over.
The thing is, my little one has been anxiously waiting to be a big sister for over a year and a half now. She’s been praying and hoping and wishing with everything that she has. She talks about a baby as if it’s happening now. My husband and I have been hoping and praying for more children as well. Our family has definitely been ready for a while now.
Such a Thing as Secondary Infertility
What my little one doesn’t know and what most people in my life don’t know is that I suffer from secondary infertility. I never knew there was such a thing.
After 16 months of trying for baby #2, I started doing research and ultimately found out that many women like myself struggle with not being able to become pregnant again after giving birth to a baby. I never thought I would be going through this. My daughter was conceived after three months of not actively trying. She was a surprise and a miracle all at once.
So now this second time around, it has been very different and very difficult, to say the least.
I have kept quiet for the most part, only a handful of my closest family and friends know of my struggle. I’ve been sad, mad, depressed, embarrassed, lost, confused, lonely and even jealous while on this roller coaster ride.
Most people don’t realize that asking, “When are you going to have more kids?” to a woman struggling with infertility is heartbreaking.
Many couples suffer in silence and questions and comments about having more kids is like adding salt to the wounds. It hurts like hell, I’m very aware of this. I know most people mean well, and they don’t mean to hurt my feelings. But inevitably, I hurt, a lot.
I’ve been so blessed with great girlfriends who are constantly available when I need to vent. They send me the latest research and articles on fertility treatments and tell me about natural supplements and herbal teas to help me along this journey. That handful of insiders know me, they get my struggle and they sincerely want nothing but to see me happy. But that’s just it, I wasn’t ready to let everyone else know about my infertility, until now.
I Want You to Know
Now, I want people to know that I’m NOT being selfish by keeping my daughter as an only child. Maybe I said in the past that it was okay for my little one to be an only child, but things have changed, feelings have changed, and we as a family have changed.
Now, I want others to know that we, my husband and I, have been actively trying for baby #2 by going to see a local fertility specialist, taking medications and vitamins, and even tracking ovulation — none of which have worked so far.
Now, I want you to know, more than anything, I wish to fulfill my daughter’s dream of being a big sister, but I’m also fully aware that I may not be physically able to do so. It breaks my heart, but if those are the cards I’ve been dealt, then I am grateful for what I do have, my husband and my beautiful child.
No Longer Taboo
Infertility is such a taboo word, but now, more than ever I want to share my story, my struggles, and my fears. Infertility doesn’t only affect me, it affects my husband and it affects my daughter, too. Her tears are just as real as mine. She cries out of sadness and desperation too.
When I found out my sister was expecting her 2nd child, I felt happy, excited and sad, all at the same time. When my daughter found out my niece was going to get her “baby,” my daughter cried and said “But Mommy, why doesn’t God give me a baby too? I’ve been praying for a baby for a long time!” At that moment, I didn’t know what to do but hug her and say, “I know baby, it’s okay.” She is suffering too, and how I wish I could just make her wish come true.
Since I may never be able to have more children, I’ve come to realize more and more that my daughter is truly a miracle. She is absolutely heaven-sent and I’m so blessed to have her. I am so so SO lucky to be her mommy. She is the absolute sweetest little person and I adore her with all my heart and soul. I honestly believe that her birth has given me a purpose in life, a reason to live, to love, to fight.
She would make the best big sister and God knows her heart has so much love to give to a baby sibling. Her nightly sweet prayers always include God sending us a baby, floating down from heaven on a cloud, right into Mommy’s belly.