Your Pregnant Body – The Opposite of Perks?

Hi Again!

It’s me, your pregnant body. I’m back to talk to you about a whole other side of pregnancy. The part you might not hear a whole lot about. I’ll uncover some dirty little secrets about you and your body. They might make you sick to your stomach (no really!), they might make you stop reading, they might make you laugh. And if you’re Vannessa Eggleston, they might make you decide this pregnancy will be your last.

So we’ll start with the obvious:

1. You might experience this little thing called morning sickness. But here’s the kicker, they are lying to you! For some women, it lasts all day long and all night long. Crackers might help. Or you might find you need something stronger, something prescribed, something like Phenergan or Zofran. It should subside around your 12th week, but again, there is no guarantee.
2. Say “Hello” to heartburn! Yeah, she’ll be your new friend for most, if not all, of your pregnancy. Silver lining: Tums can be your new breath freshener. So yay!
3. Back pain. You’ll soon forge a great relationship with your chiropractor. You may even see them more often that you see your OBGYN (oh wait, that means more appointments too!). So make sure you pick a good one.
4. Meet Charlie. Last name Horse. He’ll strike in the middle of the night when you stretch. And then you’ll be sore the next day from his midnight antics. Yeah, fun times!
5. “Mommy Brain”. Ok, so yes, it can be a perk, but some people just won’t understand it.
6. Stretch marks. Oh, and not just on your belly. Did I mention your boobs will grow bigger? Because they will, and your skin may not have gotten the “stretch a lot, stretch overnight” memo. Enter stretch marks, on your belly and boobs.
7. Varicose veins. Constipation. Hemorrhoids. I’m sorry. That’s all I can say;(
8. You will hear people tell you, “Get your rest now. Once Baby comes it will all be over.”. Don’t believe them. Sleep is over as soon as your uterus starts expanding that you can no longer sleep on your stomach. And the weight of the belly will have to be distributed over both sides throughout the night. Think beached whale trying to turn over. Oh, and if that isn’t enough, you’ll have to pee more often during the night than a baby would wake you up.
9. Exhaustion like you’ve never experienced before. I mean, you’re making ears and noses and fingers and toes!
10. Big boobs. Yeah. I know I mentioned they were totally perks. But they’re a constant reminder to your husband how sexy you are pregnant. Did I mention you will be exhausted?
11. You will have to pee. Often. And very little amounts.
12. You know those pads I told you to throw away? Fish them out. I totally forgot to tell you that you might need them. You know, if you cough, or sneeze, or run, or laugh too hard. And if this isn’t your first pregnancy, you’ll need them even sooner in your pregnancy and maybe even longer after Baby. Do your Kegels. Religiously. You’re husband will thank you for it. Or punish you for it. Depending how you look at it. Did I mention you’d be exhausted?

In all seriousness, pregnancy is beautiful. It can totally be a drag too. But at the end of it all, you get this:

And I promise: You’ll forget about all the hard work and inconveniences of pregnancy and you’ll be ready to tackle it again. Look at me! I’m on Pregnancy #3!!!

Misery loves company. What slight inconveniences/embarrassments/vulgarities did you your friends experience while pregnant?

Disclaimer: You likely won’t experience all of these symptoms during your pregnancy. But believe me, they are So. Totally. Worth. It. And of course, This is not really your pregnant body talking to you. That would be weird. The information in this post is from various sources on the internet and from the experiences of many a pregnant woman and have not been provided by a licensed OBGYN.