The Saddest and Loneliest Corner of Motherhood — Miscarriage: My Story


2020 was meant to be a year of new beginnings for our family. We were blessed with a fourth pregnancy. Another baby sibling for my 5, 3 and 1-year-old. On January 9, 2020, we said goodbye to our baby, to their sibling — to my newest heart and soul. I had a miscarriage. And my heart is broken.

We were so excited for our fourth baby. At Christmas, we’d upgraded our car to accommodate baby #4. My kids had been taking care of their baby dolls to practice for their newest baby sibling. We were so happy about the changes to come.

Sadness in Miscarriage

On January 9, 2020 — all of those hopes and dreams of this new baby were shattered. I started bleeding more than I’ve ever bled in my life. It was a faucet. I sat, drenched, and covered, and splattered, scared, alone and confused.

I lost my baby in the Emergency Room. The ultrasound tech’s words were heavy on my heart. “I’m going to check your ovaries for blood flow. You’re going to hear some sounds, it’s just your ovaries.” At 2 a.m., they sent me on a short ambulance ride to a bigger facility and prepped me for a D&C to stop the hemorrhaging.

Loneliness in Miscarriage

As I sat in the pre-op waiting room, behind the curtain, I could hear the excited dads waiting to go meet their wives in c-sections. They rolled out two beautiful newborns, with the sweetest little cries. Inside, hundreds of heavy hammers crushed my heart. I couldn’t breathe. All I wanted, more than anything in the world at that moment, was to hold those babies — to smell their sweet newborn skin and kiss their little sugar heads.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

By Robert Frost

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

Healing in Miscarriage

In just 9 days, 2020 — my year of new beginnings — began with an end. In time, we’ll heal. I’ll heal — and we’ll begin again.


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