The Forsaken Burden: Battling Depression as a Mom

Life in the past two years has not been a joyful path for me. The burden of depression has been strong, even as I have fought and battled against it. 

In truth, depression took over my life.

It all began as postpartum depression, but slowing turned deeper and more long-term. In all honesty, depression can take over when you least expect it. Your life changes without notice. The simplest tasks like taking a shower become unbearable to complete.

The stress of life as a teacher made work a place that I dreaded. I was reduced to simply doing what I could and hoping that it was enough.

Home was not easy either. Going to the grocery store was a “nightmare.” I could not stand the people, so my husband began doing our grocery runs so that I could avoid it all together. Bless that man.

Seeking Help

The fear of staying like this forever haunted me. I finally decided that I needed medical help. As I waited for the doctor, the pure lingering of pride weighed me down. But I knew I had to share what I was going through. The doctor gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant. I filled it, but was too afraid to begin the dosage. I was scared that it would make me lose my mind. What if I was different? What if it didn’t work? Eventually, I summoned up the courage to begin the medication. 

It took about two weeks to see the difference, but the change in me was so evident. I was back to my reality. It has been several months since I had felt truly alive, truly myself. My husband and daughter were happy that Mommy was back. I was ecstatic to be back!

Unfortunately, those moments did not last long. About a year and a half later, I began to feel it again. But this time, it all felt different. Sadness was upon me once again but in a different light. I despised feeling this way and not knowing if tomorrow would be any different. I knew I needed to talk to my doctor, again. And sure enough, depression was back again.

I was miserable. I didn’t want to live my life under the influence of medication because of this forsaken burden of depression. But still, I dedicated another year to taking a little pill that was supposed to make everything rosy. But did it? At least this time I could cope with each day. I was able to bear getting out of bed, going to work, and sustaining home life. But just barely.

Depression’s Fog Deepens

Throughout the second year, I began to fall deeper in to depression. I could not focus on the day-to-day norms of working or taking care of family and the home. It was like I was in a continuous brain fog.

I was still under the influence of prescribed medication, but it did not seem like it was working (or maybe I did not need it anymore). After seeking medical counseling, I learned about the possibility of depending on medication for a short while until my traumatic life events ran their course. I began slowly to wean off the medication until I took zero pills to function. I gradually felt and saw the difference within myself.  My husband noticed the difference, too.

I began to function at a level that I had so longed for, but I could not seem to find on my own.

I was completing home projects within no time. I went back to cooking and baking, which I missed so much doing with my girls. It was an amazing feeling of joy. Oh, I began to feel tears! Through the depression, I was dry; I could not cry. Now, I cry to release feels of all kinds — joy and pain.

It feels great to feels tear streaming down my cheeks. Now, when my daughter asks me why I’m crying, I can simply explain to her what happened and why it’s so important to show your emotions. 

I’m singing and enjoying the moments I have each day I live.

I know that my story doesn’t end here. It continues today and will continue through my moments and memories.

Moms Take Note

Moms of all ages are prone to developing depression during their lifetime. It may occur during pregnancy, death, divorce, health or during a dramatic life event. We don’t know when it will affect us. We don’t actually know if we ever will be cured,

But to anyone out there in the throes of depression, please remember this — your family loves and adores you. Keep them close to your heart and love them through and through each day.