There is No Excuse for Abuse


I should probably not have been as vague about my sexual abuse as I was. But it happened to me twice. By two completely different people. And it happened while my parents had entrusted my care to someone else while they worked. One was the caretaker and one was the teenage son of the caretaker.

Well, it’s the story heard round the interwebs this week.

Josh Duggar of the popular tv show 19 Kids and Counting molested girls when he was 14ish. 

I am going to try to discuss what I know about it and how I feel about it without being a blubbering mess. 

I’m about to get loud and fierce up in here for a lot of reasons. When the news first broke I was shocked and honestly, didn’t even read it. But it was comments in people’s Facebook posts and articles like this and this about how we must forgive him, and how nobody is perfect and how everybody has skeletons in his/her closet and about how he is a changed man and how he was a “curious boy” that had me Up. In. Arms. Even people we look up to like Mike Huckabee are “standing behind him“.  

And for the first time in all my 36 years I couldn’t believe I had to defend the position of victims of sexual abuse.


*deep breaths*
I am no stranger to sexual abuse. But that is neither here nor there because I advocate now for MY children. I will fight to the death for ALL children NEVER to be touched inappropriately again. I don’t care if you are a Christian, born again Christian, never-been Christian or what. Those victims will forever bear the scar of abuse and abusers will always have to bear the scars (or marks) of being a violator. That is why sex offenders who have done hard time and been released after YEARS of help and therapy and counseling will always be registered as sex offenders. 

So here’s the story, paraphrased in my own words. Please note that my sources are not all 100% reliable since they consist of the media (InTouch and People). I am fully aware that I don’t have the whole story. Neither do you. I don’t need the whole story. #itiswhatitis #ITSSEXUALABUSE

When Josh Duggar was approximately 14 years old, he touched/fondled/handled girls on their breasts and their genitals. Many times while they were sleeping. 

His mother and father found out and disciplined him themselves. It happened again and his folks decided to go to the authorities. A YEAR LATER. A year later as in possibly a few girls later….for sure one.

We will not stay silenced!
We will not stay silenced!

And I use authorities loosely, they went to their church elders.

So Josh “did time” by entering into a “Christian program” for 4 months where he had to do hard labor and counseling.

“Michelle Duggar later admitted to police that Josh did not receive counseling and instead had been sent during that time to a family friend who was in the home remodeling business.” source InTouch

Um yeah. He did not get the proper counseling. He didn’t get ANY counsleing. This person/mentor was a family friend who was not a certified counselor.

So after his counseling, they took him to speak with a state trooper who gave him a good talkin’ to. There was no official action taken. This particular Arkansas State Trooper is now serving 56 years in prison for child pronography #areyoufreakinkiddingme #noreallyimbeingpunkedright

I can’t speak for his parents. I am sure they did the best they could to protect THEIR child. But to say that all is hunky dory now and he has learned his lesson and will never stray from the righteous path (abusing people) again is a little far-stretched. I believe that just as it has taken me YEARS and YEARS in therapy to be a better mom, lover, daughter, sister and citizen after having been abused…. I believe that his journey to wellness is a much longer one. I whole-heartedly do not believe that he is better simply because one day he decided that he (in his own words) “understood that if I continued down this wrong road that I would end up ruining my life.”

Because if he had really learned anything and had truly gotten well, he would have been more concerned with the well being of his victims than that of his own.

Listen up people of the world. You keep your kids far far away from people like him, people like his wife and mother and father and sister who believe that he is better simply because he says he is. This man needs help. Or jail. Or both. #noexcuses 

Before you say that I am a woman who is just mad because I was sexually abused, let me just start by saying this: Darn skippy I am. I am darned mad about it that it happened to me. I am darned mad that it happens AT ALL. We are the keepers of our children. Don’t make excuses for others that pose a threat to them.

No! He didn’t learn his lesson. He wasn’t properly helped. He didn’t receive the counseling he needed. So no, I don’t think he’s a better man and I do think that he is prone to abuse again. And you know what, “prone” to it is too much of a risk for me to have him anywhere near children or women. I don’t have any sympathy for him. I think his parents did him a great disservice to have held onto that information from “authorities” for OVER A YEAR and then to have given him the “counseling” (big air quotes) they gave him. In my honest opinion, I think they did what they did so that they could relinquish responsibility and say, they did their part. No! No!






  1. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT VICTIMS, ONCE AGAIN NEED TO BE DEFENDED! The older I get, the closer relationships I develop, the more I realize how prevalent this type of horrific abuse really is. All the while, here people are defending and standing behind this individual while making excuses for his behavior. I’m sorry for your own experience, and I applaud and appreciate your honest writing over this matter. Sadly, unlike yourself, so many never did have the courage, or ability to seek out counseling to help close the hurt, leaving wounds that branch out in so many different relationships. It would help, I can only imagine, if people would be so quick to excuse the abuse. Anyway, thank you for this, #yourock #keepyourbabiessafe

  2. Hi Vanessa! God bless you and your courage to be up front about your past. How terrible it must off been for you. I have had a one time experience with sexual abuse. I didn’t go to the authorities or even my parents but I was fortunate enough that it was only one time. Now I’m not in any way condoning what Josh did. It’s horrible. No child should ever go through that. And you are right there is no excuse. But I believe he did get counseling. Not the kind the world gives but the kind that God gives. God gives peace in the darkest times in our life’s. To truly know God is to know His love. Years and years of counseling with a certified counselor is nothing compared to the peace and counseling we get as children of our creator. Many have never experienced this but those who have understand it. I hope you don’t think I’m defending him. I’m not. But I honestly believe that his parents did what they felt was right for all their children. I can’t imagine being placed in their situation. But to sum up what I’m saying. He did in fact receiving counseling and he is still receiving counseling from the great Counselor.


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